Tales from the Tabletop

Blades in the Dark
Ursula's Journal

Ye want to hear the story again of how we saved the County of Barstoi? No? Well too bad! Sit yer arse down and listen up! Ye might learn something.

So when I left off, we were on our way back to the count's manor to give the good Captain Varga the full run of what we'd uncovered about the fucking vampire cult the high priest was running from the House of Solace. We were debating whether to wait until three o'clock to investigate the ossuary under the temple, or to go looking in the woods for the fucking vampire lair. 

That was when me and creepy Shen spotted the werewolf perched on the nearby rooftop, watching us. He wasn't attacking us, so that dusky elf Victor called out to ask if he could help us find the missing boy. The werewolf began leaping rooftop to rooftop, but slowly, leading us through the town until he finally went over the wall near the gates. 

We scribbled down a note with the information for Varga and had one of the guards take it to her, with the news that we were investigating a threat in the woods. From there, Tiny picked up the werewolf's scent and led us through the dark forest until we could see a fire through the trees. That's when we decided to take it fucking slow and quiet like.

That was also when I made me first mistake and didn't put me helmet on. That's the first lesson: always cover your head!

I took point, riding on Tiny, while Victor moved second and Arlaia and Shen brought up the rear. (Heh, "rear." If it weren't for the scaly tail, I'd say that Shen's got a good arse. The elf, too, if you're into that sort of thing.)

Anyhoo, the fire was from this little campsite in a small clearing. A werewolf was standing watch while a strange man chanted and waved his hands around the fire. Nearby, a small child-sized shape was tied up. The cultist finished his fucking spell and four fucking skeletons with big fucking pikes and shields crawled out of the earth. The damn things moved to set up a perimeter and immediately saw Tiny.

I dashed it to pieces with me ax and the battle was joined. Oh, it was a pretty sight to see. That corpse-fucking cult leader tried to blast me with dark magics, but missed. Victor made a break for the kid, while the werewolf moved up towards us. Took us a while to be sure the wolf was hostile. Took us even longer to realize it wasn't the same werewolf as before!

Arlaia did her best to keep the werewolf distracted, while I tried to make a run at the cult leader. But two more of those bloody skellies moved in to cut me off. I got past 'em, but one of the bony bastards got a good stick in with his pike. Shen went after them while me and Tiny charged the cultist. I took a swing at him, but he was still standing and smote poor Tiny with some really nasty magic.

That's where I made me second mistake: I should've tagged the priest with me fucking Hunter's Mark than and there, but I hesitated. The lesson being, once ye commit to an attack, commit to the hilt and don't hold back.

While all that was going on, Victor blasted a skeleton apart with that flashy electric magic o' his, then got ahold of the boy. He pulled off the lad's gag and blindfold and confirmed he was the count's missing son Dmitri. That's when three more bloody cultists came charging out of the woods towards the elf.

Meanwhile, Arlaia and the werewolf kept playing hide and stab, while one of the fucking skeletons skewered Shen with its pike even as he kicked the arms off the other.

I had Tiny tear into the priest with tooth and fucking claw, but even so the fucker managed to slip away into the woods. Let me tell ye, I so wanted to hunt that bastard down right then for hurting me poor little bear. But I took a quick look at the situation, and remembered that a dwarf always gets the job done. 

So I wheeled Tiny around and rode up to take the boy from Victor. From there, I started to make was the Beastguard calls a strategic withdrawal, but paused to take a swing at one of the skellies fighting Shen. Lopped his head off, but the fucking thing was still dancing around.

This was me third mistake, and it was nearly the end o' me. I forgot to use all the tools in me disposal. I wasn't going to leave me squaddies behind, that's not the Beastguard way. But I've got more than just an ax.  I should've pulled back to a safe  distance and gotten out me bow to support the retreat.

Instead, Tiny and me were just sitting in the middle of the clearing with out arses hanging out for the cultists to stab. And stab they did! After Victor used that misty step o' his to run, the three cult thugs came charging into the clearing and one o' them got Tiny good with a pair of daggers. Me poor boy went down hard, and I had to hop off him with the little lord over one shoulder. 

With the cultists closing in, two skellies going after Shen, and that fucking werewolf prowling around our escape route, things looked pretty fucking grim. I was bleeding pretty bad from where that pike had stuck me, snake-boy was in worse shape, and the dusky elf wasn't much better. Couldn't see Arlaia, but I heard her now and then fighting that lycan bastard.

Then Shen knocked the skeleton on the left apart with his staff and punched a fist right through the bony little shit on the right. He asked for the lordling and I handed the boy over to him. Then the monk just dashed through the trees. The werewolf tried to go after him, but Victor got between the two of them. That elf may be shady as fuck, but he's got a brave fucking heart for sure, and a head for the mission. 

Now with me bear unconscious and three cult bastards charging at me, ye might be forgiven for thinking the worst. But I know a bit o' nature magic, and that made all the difference. I uttered a quick spell to patch up Tiny's wounds enough to get the poor bear up on his feet. Then I was in the saddle again and we were racing away as fast as his big legs could take us while I pulled out my bow.

That fucking cult priest chose that moment to reappear and set this nasty wall of fire to try to cut off our escape. The three other cultists drew close enough to start taking shots at us. 

Tiny took another dagger in the arse, but me brave boy kept going. This other fucker with a crossbow got off a spectacular shot through the trees right at Shen's jugular. But the snake-eyed monk didn't even look back as his free hand reached up to snatch the bolt at the last second. He complimented the archer, snapped the bolt in half one-handed, then wished us all good fortune before dashing off through the forest faster than I've ever seen any human go. He had the lordling tucked over his shoulder, and was moving so fast the corpse-fucking cultists could never catch him.

With the count's son safely away, it turned into a nasty fight with the cultists who now just wanted to kill us out of spite. The werewolf tore into Victor, biting him hard, but Arlaia kept tagging the fucker with silver tipped crossbow bolts. The elf, nearly dead, finally skewered the wolf with a silver sword and put an end to him. 

I had me own problems. I finally slapped my Hunter's Mark on the priest and tried to take a shot at him while Tiny put some distance between us. But I wasn't solidly seated in the saddle and when I twisted I took a tumble and ended up in the dirt with me damn bear dashing off into the dark. Mr. Jacketful O'Fucking Knives decided to have a go at me. I was in a bad way by then and Tiny was taking his time coming back to me.

That was when our wee gnome friend popped out from behind a tree to put a crossbow bolt right between the fucking eyes of that fucking priest. With their leader dead, we scared the three other cultists into running. I let mine go, as I'd promised him a chance to escape, but Arlaia kept taking potshots as they ran. Crazy lass was cackling the whole time. Got a bloodthirsty streak a mile wide, that one.

The dead priest was dressed in the red cassock of a Pharasmin inquisitor, and the werewolf corpse had changed back into our old friend the fucking half-elf chirurgeon. We tossed both bodies over Tiny's back and searched the campsite. We found some creepy cult texts that Victor deciphered. It talked about anointing and sacrificing the little lordling tonight at the witching hour as part of a ritual in the temple ossuary to curse Count Neska's line and allow the whole fucking county of Barstoi to fall into the hands of agents of the Whispering Tyrant. They were even coordinating with other cultists all the way down in godsforsaken Vyrlich! 

The forest fire the false inquisitor started was growing by this point, and we wanted to get back before the high priest had a chance to talk his way out of this. So we packed things up and then set about tracking down Shen and the lordling. The monk might be fast, but he was out of his element in the woods and got turned around. 

When we got back to the town, the Vische fire department was racing out to deal with the forest fire. And can I say that I am seriously impressed that this little fucking backwater actually has a fire department, with druids and a custom wagon and everything. That's practically a dwarvish level of civic organization, so my compliments to the Count.

We made a beeline right for the count's manor. Along the way, we noticed that the friendly werewolf was back, shadowing us on the rooftops until we got close to the manor. Then he gave an approved nod and vanished.

Inside, we brought Captain Varga up to speed and she took us to see the count at once. We laid it all on the table—the cult, the plot against him, the high priest's treachery, all of it. Count Neska doesn't seem like the time to get loud when he's angry, and he didn't. Instead he got cold and quiet, ordering Varga to take her knights to the House of Solace and wipe out the cult. I asked that they spare the Acolyte Ottos, but he and Varga were already aware of him. 

The count invited us to stay the night in his manor and had this really fine feast cooked up for us. We got our 2,000gp each, plus the boon he'd offered. Plus, Ottos was able to get Victor started on some sort of treatment for lycanthropy. 

Then we got to sit back and rest up while Varga and her lads took care of the high priest and his followers. They fucking burned down the House of Solace, drove a stake through the high priest's heart, and mounted the cultist heads on pikes.

So that's the story of how we became the big fucking heroes of Barstoi and lived to drink another day! 

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Vische by Night
Ursula's Journal

All right, listen up you fuckers. I'm Ursula Silverbraid, by process of elimination Thane of the Silverbraid Clan and Captain of the Ravenhill Beastguard. Me and me trusty bear Tiny have partnered up with a band of fucking weirdos: this creepy gnome girl named Arlaia Swindlebottom (what kind of fucking name is Arlaia?), this shady-looking elf going by Victor Silvermane (why not just call yourself Normie McNotadrow?), and this serpent-blooded monk from Tian Xia called Shen Long. 

The five of us have traveled out to Vische, the gloomiest fucking town in Barstoi, the gloomiest fucking county in Ustalav. We've been hired by the local count, this neatfreak tyrant named Aericnein Neska, to rescue his young son Dmitri. We find the wee lad and deal with his captors, we each get 2,000 gold. We bring the boy back alive, and we get an extra boon from the count. We fail or try to flee, and we get executed. The boy's been missing a fortnight and the local bumblefuck inquisitors from the Pharasmin temple have failed to find him.

Or have they? This town is fucking nest of vipers and I can't help but wonder if we're being set up as scapegoats. The count's side piece slash captain of the guard, Varga, seems like she genuinely wants to find the missing lad and could be an ally. But everyone else is at best an arsehole. Here's what we've found out after 18 hours on the job:

The night we arrived in town, in the fucking rain, I saw a creature bigger than a human perched on a rooftop by the Red Cart Inn, watching me after I tucked Tiny into the stables. Then it jumped away onto another rooftop.

The creature was probably a werewolf. It looks like little Dmitri was carried off from his room by a werewolf. There were claw marks on the windowsill and down the wall and footprints in the courtyard. Looks like he was hopping from place to place and used an awning to fucking vault up onto the wall and over.

The little lordling was kidnapped shortly after Count Neska finished a late night meeting with the High Priest Lucius Varnax. One of the guards still had eyes on Lucius while the kidnapping was taking place. But Count Fucking Killcrazy has had all of the guards on duty that night executed and replaced.

In Dmitri's room, we also found a scrap of red cloth from a Pharasmin inquisitor's robe in the windowsill. We also found the boy's diary, where he wrote about hearing whispers and having nightmares about some dark slender fucker taking him to the "place of skulls and bones." Probably an ossuary under the local Pharasmin temple. Neither bit of incredibly fucking obvious evidence was detected by the crack inquisitors who supposedly looked over the crime scene.

This local madman named Mr. Fidgets claimed to have witnessed the kidnappings. When we spoke to him, he started rambling about Whispering Way vampire cultists, the Tall Dead Ones, plotting to bring about the doom of Barstoi and that they are hiding in town. The inquisitors failed to mention that detail after talking to him. He's also a sick piece of work who confessed to murdering a shitload of people. I hope he has a nice trip to Hell tomorrow morning. (Oh, and I'll put in a good word for the prison warden, who was less of an arsehole than I've come to expect.)

We visited the local "hospice" serving as a makeshift morgue, where the local chirurgeon is an even bigger arsehole than usual, and a secret half-elf to boot. I think Arlaia still half-believes he's a werewolf. Anyway, he showed us the body of one of the other people who've gone missing in the last fortnight. Oh, fuck, have I mentioned that the little lordling was kidnapped in the middle of a rash of disappearances? Well, the only missing person that's resurfaced is the poor fucker on that mortician's table. The good doctor says the body's been ritually mutilated after the fashion of a vampire cult last seen in Caliphas. He shared this revelation with the high priest, who hasn't fucking told anybody else. 

The thing about vampires in Ustalav is that they don't tend to live in the cities. The blood-sucking arseholes tend to lair outside, and get smuggled into towns by fucking cultists in order to feed and make fucking mischief. 

At that point, we go back to the count's manor to pick up the silvered weapons we'd requested earlier that day. We tell Captain Varga that all signs are pointing towards the temple, and I take the step of asking for a few of her guards to go with us and hang out nearby the temple when we investigate.

It's dusk by the time we get to the Pharasmin House of Solace and meet the acolyte Ottos who'd greeted us when we arrived in town. Poor lad was whipped for helping us get rooms at the inn and he's too scared to let us in to see the high priest and his inner circle. But he does offer to help sneak us into the ossuary at three o'clock once the other acolytes are abed. Ottos also took me aside to warn me that the high priest has been acting strangely in the last few weeks, making frequent visits to the woods and generally being strange and menacing. He asked me to pass this word along to Captain Varga, who's been the only one willing to challenge the high priest. Ottos also told us that Varga was the one who pushed for the count to hire adventurers, over the high priest's objections.

We depart the temple and tell the guards outside we're going back to the castle to talk to Captain Varga, but we might need their help again soon. We plan to return at three o'clock to investigate the ossuary.

So, to review where we stand in this fucking mess:

  • There's a fucking vampire cult in town, almost certainly including the high priest and his inquisitors. The vampire itself is probably out in the woods, where the high priest keeps visiting him. Unless the high priest is the vampire, since he sure seems to like visiting folk late at night.
  • We have no fucking idea who the werewolf is or what connection he has to the cult, if any. Maybe the mortician is the werewolf. Maybe the werewolf took the boy into protective custody because the cult was targeting him. Maybe the boy is the werewolf!
  • Varga seems like the only one in town with any authority who might be on our side. We might want to make use of her knights to give us some extra muscle or investigate two leads simultaneously.
  • I've a sneaking suspicion the fucking high priest was disposing of any adventurers who showed up to investigate the missing lordling. 
  • I can probably find the vampire's hideout in the woods, but I sure as fuck don't want to go there at night.
  • We are in serious danger of losing our heads or worse if we don't sort this fucking shit out right quick.
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The Founding of the Order of the Black Mushroom: A Cock and Bull Story
Order of the Black Mushroom

25 Pharast, 4732

Lady Kyra Loranth of Korvosa, the only halfling noble in Varisia, has announced she is sponsoring a new knightly order to protect the land. The first five members of the Order of the Black Mushroom gather at the Smallcastle to meet with their patron:

  • Ser Marl of Old Korvosa, an aged former sellsword who has aged rather gracefully.
  • Teena, a Gnomish paladin of Sarenrae with pink pigtails and a cheery demeanor.
  • Ser Bellia Bairnell, a hard-edged halfling knight.
  • Reno, an awakened riding dog and friend of Bellia.
  • Lucius Imperius Indomitus Rex III ("Lucy"), Bellia's pet rooster.

They wait for Kyra in the great hall of the castle, a large two-story room with a vaulted ceiling and overlooked by halfling-sized balconies. The hall itself is flanked on each side by lifelike heroic statues of halflings posed on pedestals with titles like "The Farmer Who Feeds the World," "The Builder of Cities," etc.

While the five of them wait in the castle hall to meet with Kyra, the doors are thrown open and four armored Hellknights enter. They are dressed in black iron sculpted to resemble flayed human bodies, very different from the armor of Korvosa's local Hellknight Order of the Nail. The knights are there to search for "escaped property" from Cheliax, acting under the authority granted their Order by the Empress. 

The Black Mushrooms question the legality of the Hellknights' search, and the Hellknight commander begins brusquely questioning them. She and Marl trade insults, but the ex-mercenary gets the better of the exchange.

The commander turns to hassle Bellia, comparing her appearance to a description they have on hand. The Hellknights are disappointed to find she isn't one of the ones they're looking for. The commander starts to take an interest in the farmer statue when a voice chides the Hellknights from the balcony above.

A richly dressed halfling woman wearing an enormous feathered hat tumbles down to the floor of the great hall. Lady Kyra Loranth invites the Hellknights to search the entire castle. Since its their sixth visit, she tells them they get a free mushroom pastie at the castle gift shop. Whith that, she shooes the angry Hellknights out of the hall.

"Don't let the door hit you on the way out!" Reno calls after them.

After apologizing for the interruption, Kyra welcomes the members of the Order of the Black Mushroom. She presents them with official badges bearing their symbol, a black mushroom in a green circle on a brown field. She also introduces them to their eager squire, Gunny. The young lad presents them with their official mascot, a young shrieker mushroom named "Shrieky."

Kyra explains that she has a quest for them. South of Harse is the halfling farming community of Bebington, where many halfling immigrants have been settled. A major chicken farm is located there, but recently something has been stealing the chickens. The locals insist that it's a big monster, but the authorities have been slow to react to "halfling nonsense."

So Kyra wants the Order to go to the farm, find what beast has been stealing the chickens, kill the fuck out of it, and bring back it's head as proof of their triumph. That will win renown for both the Order and House Loranth, and will save the chicken farm. Unfortunately, no one has gotten a good look at the monster, other than to say it is very large, but Kyra is certain that the party can handle it. Kyra also emphasizes the importance of ending the threat to the chickens, as she has a personal stake in the farm.

The adventurers assure her that she has nothing to worry about. They set out for Bebington in a cart procured by Kyra, with Bellia and Reno riding alongside. They make a strange sight on the road: a halfling knight on a riding dog traveling with a cart driven by a 10-year-old and carrying an aged mercenary and a pink haired gnome in full plate.

"Paint a picture, it'll last longer," Marl grumbles at some gawking passers-by.

Bebington features traditional halfling hill houses, but the farm itself predates the halfling settlement and is built in the human style. The Order is met by Karlo Brooker, the farm manager, who is thrilled to finally get some help. He explains that the monster comes out only on nights when a heavy mist settles on the valley. No one has gotten a good look at the creature, but it is large even by human standards.

Farmer Brooker shows them a set of strange tracks around the chicken pens. They find the footsteps of an enormous cloven-hoofed biped, accompanied by what Marl identifies as goblin tracks. 

Brooker asks Bellia to keep Lucy away from the chicken pens, as the farm's rare rooster is especially territorial. Marl and Teena pick up on the fact that Brooker keeps trying to deflect attention from the farm's rooster. 

Rather than wait for the next attack, Marl and Reno follow the tracks to a nearby forest, but loses the trail of the big monster. Finding crisscrossing goblin tracks, they take the path less traveled. It leads up a hill, where they find a pair of bored goblins standing guard outside a crude hut. The goblins are kicking a dead chicken back and forth.

Marl stealthily approaches to crossbow range, then snaps off an arrow. The goblin turns its enormous head at the last moment and gets a bolt punched through its ear. Marl fades back into the forest while the goblins freak out.

Bellia and Reno charge the green critters, but the canny goblins ducks out of the way. The halfling knight wheels the dog around for another charge. Surprisingly nimble despite her plate armor, Teena charges forward to attack the goblins. They move to flank her, but their dogslicers glance off her plate. The goblins fearfully call out to someone in the hut called Frog Talker to save them.

The "Frog Talker" turns out to be a goblin witch who commands Bellia to flee. The witch retreats back into the hut, so Marl takes another shot at a goblin, bringing it down. Teena intimidates the other, who tells her that the goblins work with a "cow man" to take chickens from the halflings. He then turns and flees.

The Order regroups and traps the Frog Talker in the hut, foiling her attempts to escape. After Bellia and Reno shrug off a lightning bolt from her, the witch decides to talk. She explains that a "cow man" named Brulak bullied the goblin tribe into helping him steal the chickens and their strange purple and yellow eggs.

Brulak keeps most of the chickens and claims he eats them, but the Frog Talker thinks he is selling them instead because the birds taste terrible. Her interest is in experimenting with the strange eggs, with the goal of creating a brew that will produce a "super goblin." Convinced that the witch intends to flee the area, the Order allows her to flee.

The adventurers return to the farm to confront Karlo Brooke about the eggs. The halfling farmer admits that they are crossbreeding the hens with a cockatrice rooster. The resulting eggs are used in a potion that temporarily petrifies halfling slaves so they can be smuggled out of Cheliax as pieces of artwork.

But the Order still has Brulak the Minotaur to deal with, as the twilight mist seeps across the valley. The farmers, Gunny, and Lucy barricade themselves inside the farmhouse, while the adventurers find positions outside. Teena hides inside a doghouse, while Marl perches up on the remada over the well and Bellia patrols the perimeter with Reno. They are stealthy enough that Brulak is unaware of them as it approaches, allowing the Black Mushrooms to unleash a lethal ambush.

Bellia charges the minotaur, tearing into him with her lance and then ripping free, the shaft trailing entrails. She wheels Reno around to set up another ambush. From his sniper perch, Marl tags Brulak with his repeating crossbow. Teena then charges forward, shouting "For the Dawnflower!"

The gnome's greatsword slices clean through Brulak's torso, cutting him in half.

All the excitement startles the cockatrice and it gets free of the chicken coop. Marl and Bellia have to catch it and coax it back to its pen. They manage to avoid its petrifying bite.

Wasting no time, the Black Mushrooms lash Brulak's upper half to the back of their wagon and set out out for Kyra's Castle. Along the way, they pass the Order of the Rack Hellknights. Although Marl jeers at them, the Hellknight leader takes off her helm in salute, revealing a stern but beautiful face with dark, close-cut hair.

The return of the Black Mushrooms causes a stir at the castle, as Lady Kyra and the others are woken in the dead of night. The halfling noble has her daughter Izzy conjure up some lights to look at the grisly trophy. Kyra agrees with Teena that the half-Brulak should be bronzed and mounted.

Lady Kyra is thrilled that the Order had such a successful first quest and plans to spread word of their triumph across the city, including a special ceremony at Castle Korvosa with the King and Queen.

Marl also provides her with an indecipherable note that they found on Brulak. It bears a strange symbol that vaguely looks like a hand grasping a coin. Marl has seen the symbol once or twice before, always accompanied by the Sihedron rune. Lady Kyra promises to look into it, and invites the Black Mushrooms to celebrate, and settle into their new headquarters in the castle's south tower.

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We B4 Goblins

Coming Soon!

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We Be Goblins

The Licktoad Tribe of goblins inhabits the Brinestump Marsh south of the human town of Sandpoint. Several years ago, goblins attacked the town but didn't bring enough fire and were killed, a tragic story that the Licktoad goblins still vaguely remember.

The most recent topic of discussion, however, was the sordid story of Scribbleface, a goblin who had committed the most heinous crime of writing words. Scribbleface was banished from the village and his possessions were looted, including his secret stash of fireworks. The goblins have been amusing themselves with the explosives, but supplies are running low.

In response to the fireworks crisis, His Mighty Girthness Chief Rendwattle Gutwad has summoned the four bravest and most expendable Licktoad goblins to meet him at his hut. They are Poog of Zarongel, priest of, um, Zarongel; the warrior Reta Bigbad; the scabrous cutthroat Chuffy; and the amateur alchemist Mogmurch.

Rather than speaking through his adjutant, Splorg, Chief Gutwad deigns to share his mighty voice with the four goblins as he tells them of the map to the site where Scribbleface had stolen his fireworks. The chieftain commands the goblin heroes to recover more fireworks and kill anything that gets in their way, be it dog, horse, or even the dreaded Lots Legs Eats Goblin Babies Many.

First, however, the Licktoad will hold a bonfire celebration to burn away bad luck from the four champions. It will feature feasting, dancing, and dares to test the heroes' mettle.

Reta takes up the first dare, accepting the challenge to ride the terrifying beast known as Squealy Nord. She easily clings to the pale pink porcine creature as it squeals and bucks wildly in its muddy pen. Mogmurch also attempts the dare, succeeding only after some difficulty. Chief Gutwad rewards them both with gourds of dragon breath.

The next challenge is the purple slug eating contest. Reta succeeds after a little effort. Poog successfully cheats, and is rewarded by Splorg. Both get horsebane dogslicers. Chuffy fails contest miserably, puking his purple slug up. Mogmurch collects the slug slime for science.

Reta and Poog get into a slap fight after she accuses Poog of cheating and he accuses her of having "swamp-ass."

The next challenge is to wriggle through the Rusty Earbiter, a cylinder loaded with traps, spikes, and other hazards. Mogmurch shrinks himself down to walk through the contraption, and receives a magic robe of patches as a reward.

The final challenge is succeeding at a game of "Hide and Club," the goblin version of hide and seek. Morgmurch fails spectacularly and gets a good thrashing, with Reta joining in. Chuffy proves to be an expert at it.

The four goblins set out through Brinestump March the following morning, their bad luck burned away. Poog and Reta continue to bicker constantly. The goblins become more alert, however, as they as they enter the territory of the dreaded Lots Legs Eats Goblin Babies Many.

Reta is the first to spot the giant spider descending from the trees and looses an arrow in its general direction. The spider climbs down to attack them. Mogmurch sets it alight with alchemist's fire and the other goblins rush in to hack at the burning spider with their dogslicers. Reta is bitten and poisoned. Chuffy kills Lots Legs Eats Goblin Babies Many, skewering the flaming arachnid to the tree trunk.

After celebrating their victory with song and dance, the goblins continue to follow the map to the shipwreck. They realize that this is the lair of the notorious goblin cannibal Vorka. They also sense the presence of a horse and dogs. The goblins agree to sneak onto the ship to hunt down Vorka, while Poog uses his speak with animals ability to convince the creatures not to hurt them. Afterwards, they plan to kill the horse and dogs.

They stealthily cross the muddy field towards the ship as the horse Stomps comes into view. It tromps over towards them, causing Poog to reveal himself and try to talk the animal down while the others try to get aboard the ship. The negotiations don't go well, however, with Poog blurting out the plan to betray the horse and then threatening to reveal the location of his hidden friends.

Mogmurch tosses a bomb at the horse. Reta emerges from the mud and charges forward, diving under the horse to cut open its belly. She manages to avoid getting crushed by its falling body.

Chuffy realizes that the gangplank leading up to the ship has been trapped. They can hear barking coming from the ship's deck. Reta tosses one of the horse's legs up there and the barks stop.

Chuffy uses his ring of climbing to scale the side of the shipwreck and spies two mean dogs chained up to the two masts. They are busily eating the leg.

The goblins stealthily climb up onto the ship. Chuffy tries to sneak over to the dogs and cut them down, but makes too much noise. Poog rushes to help, while Reta seeks a higher vantage point and Mogmurch looks for things to control. In the end, Chuffy noisily executes the two mutts.

The party then opens the door to the ship's cabin, releasing a vicious dog named Cuddles. Reta is the one to finally bring it down. Searching the room, they find a door leading to a back room.

In this final room, they find a crate of fireworks. But as they close in to investigate, the door behind them shuts close. Vorka the Cannibal has found them!

Reta fires off the largest fireworks at Vorka, blasting open a hole in the ceiling of the cabin. The fighting awakens Vorka's companion animal, a giant frog. The frog tries to eat Mogmurch and then Chuffy. Mogmurch drinks his potion of dragon's breath and manages to scorch the frog, but the alchemist's attempts to hit Vorka only end up setting the ship on fire. Chuffy finally kills the frog, while Poog ultimately corners and kills Vorka.

The goblins haul off the remaining fireworks before the burning ship sets them alight.

Back at the Licktoad village, Chief Gutwad hands out titles to the four goblin champions, and Poog is awarded his daughter's hand in marriage.

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