Tales from the Tabletop

We Be Goblins

The Licktoad Tribe of goblins inhabits the Brinestump Marsh south of the human town of Sandpoint. Several years ago, goblins attacked the town but didn't bring enough fire and were killed, a tragic story that the Licktoad goblins still vaguely remember.

The most recent topic of discussion, however, was the sordid story of Scribbleface, a goblin who had committed the most heinous crime of writing words. Scribbleface was banished from the village and his possessions were looted, including his secret stash of fireworks. The goblins have been amusing themselves with the explosives, but supplies are running low.

In response to the fireworks crisis, His Mighty Girthness Chief Rendwattle Gutwad has summoned the four bravest and most expendable Licktoad goblins to meet him at his hut. They are Poog of Zarongel, priest of, um, Zarongel; the warrior Reta Bigbad; the scabrous cutthroat Chuffy; and the amateur alchemist Mogmurch.

Rather than speaking through his adjutant, Splorg, Chief Gutwad deigns to share his mighty voice with the four goblins as he tells them of the map to the site where Scribbleface had stolen his fireworks. The chieftain commands the goblin heroes to recover more fireworks and kill anything that gets in their way, be it dog, horse, or even the dreaded Lots Legs Eats Goblin Babies Many.

First, however, the Licktoad will hold a bonfire celebration to burn away bad luck from the four champions. It will feature feasting, dancing, and dares to test the heroes' mettle.

Reta takes up the first dare, accepting the challenge to ride the terrifying beast known as Squealy Nord. She easily clings to the pale pink porcine creature as it squeals and bucks wildly in its muddy pen. Mogmurch also attempts the dare, succeeding only after some difficulty. Chief Gutwad rewards them both with gourds of dragon breath.

The next challenge is the purple slug eating contest. Reta succeeds after a little effort. Poog successfully cheats, and is rewarded by Splorg. Both get horsebane dogslicers. Chuffy fails contest miserably, puking his purple slug up. Mogmurch collects the slug slime for science.

Reta and Poog get into a slap fight after she accuses Poog of cheating and he accuses her of having "swamp-ass."

The next challenge is to wriggle through the Rusty Earbiter, a cylinder loaded with traps, spikes, and other hazards. Mogmurch shrinks himself down to walk through the contraption, and receives a magic robe of patches as a reward.

The final challenge is succeeding at a game of "Hide and Club," the goblin version of hide and seek. Morgmurch fails spectacularly and gets a good thrashing, with Reta joining in. Chuffy proves to be an expert at it.

The four goblins set out through Brinestump March the following morning, their bad luck burned away. Poog and Reta continue to bicker constantly. The goblins become more alert, however, as they as they enter the territory of the dreaded Lots Legs Eats Goblin Babies Many.

Reta is the first to spot the giant spider descending from the trees and looses an arrow in its general direction. The spider climbs down to attack them. Mogmurch sets it alight with alchemist's fire and the other goblins rush in to hack at the burning spider with their dogslicers. Reta is bitten and poisoned. Chuffy kills Lots Legs Eats Goblin Babies Many, skewering the flaming arachnid to the tree trunk.

After celebrating their victory with song and dance, the goblins continue to follow the map to the shipwreck. They realize that this is the lair of the notorious goblin cannibal Vorka. They also sense the presence of a horse and dogs. The goblins agree to sneak onto the ship to hunt down Vorka, while Poog uses his speak with animals ability to convince the creatures not to hurt them. Afterwards, they plan to kill the horse and dogs.

They stealthily cross the muddy field towards the ship as the horse Stomps comes into view. It tromps over towards them, causing Poog to reveal himself and try to talk the animal down while the others try to get aboard the ship. The negotiations don't go well, however, with Poog blurting out the plan to betray the horse and then threatening to reveal the location of his hidden friends.

Mogmurch tosses a bomb at the horse. Reta emerges from the mud and charges forward, diving under the horse to cut open its belly. She manages to avoid getting crushed by its falling body.

Chuffy realizes that the gangplank leading up to the ship has been trapped. They can hear barking coming from the ship's deck. Reta tosses one of the horse's legs up there and the barks stop.

Chuffy uses his ring of climbing to scale the side of the shipwreck and spies two mean dogs chained up to the two masts. They are busily eating the leg.

The goblins stealthily climb up onto the ship. Chuffy tries to sneak over to the dogs and cut them down, but makes too much noise. Poog rushes to help, while Reta seeks a higher vantage point and Mogmurch looks for things to control. In the end, Chuffy noisily executes the two mutts.

The party then opens the door to the ship's cabin, releasing a vicious dog named Cuddles. Reta is the one to finally bring it down. Searching the room, they find a door leading to a back room.

In this final room, they find a crate of fireworks. But as they close in to investigate, the door behind them shuts close. Vorka the Cannibal has found them!

Reta fires off the largest fireworks at Vorka, blasting open a hole in the ceiling of the cabin. The fighting awakens Vorka's companion animal, a giant frog. The frog tries to eat Mogmurch and then Chuffy. Mogmurch drinks his potion of dragon's breath and manages to scorch the frog, but the alchemist's attempts to hit Vorka only end up setting the ship on fire. Chuffy finally kills the frog, while Poog ultimately corners and kills Vorka.

The goblins haul off the remaining fireworks before the burning ship sets them alight.

Back at the Licktoad village, Chief Gutwad hands out titles to the four goblin champions, and Poog is awarded his daughter's hand in marriage.

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